Time for a Change

The other day a strange thing happened to me. I think I actually witnessed myself maturing. Normally I would never share an experience like this with the general public, but I guess getting older really lowers the dignity level with personal growth.

This is me and my sweetie back in the day. My husband has this thing with cars. He never has the same one for very long. He tends to buy really fast, impractical models that can only seat two people or are so old they can't exceed the speed limit. When this picture was taken, we had been dating two months and he had already had three different cars. Wow. But, he was single and could afford it, so no big whoop.

When we got together I was on the college-student budget. And I had two kids to provide for. So we would go to TJ Maxx or Ross, or some "frivolous" place and he would buy me clothes because I couldn't afford them. It was all sweet and nice, but really, he had no idea the hidden monster he was awakening. I love clothes. I love to buy things. I love spending money. I always feel terrible after I do, because I really believe in the power of paying cash and saving for a rainy day, but if I come across a great pair of jeans that fit, I have a hard time saying no. In fact, my friends know I have a hard time saying no to anything if I like it.

Time went on and we were so successful it didn't matter what I spent. I could buy all my kids clothes at the Gap and get pedicures every three weeks. The monster was happy. We bought a big house on the hill and I had fun furnishing it and decorating it with my unlimited budget. Then, what I like to call the great stumbling of 2008 came along. We all stumbled with the economy in shambles, we all used up our savings, we all had to read Dave Ramsey for the first time. And we had these people now. Not little wooden figures, but a large family with needs to be cared for. And it was not a bad thing. I have really enjoyed the challenge of whittling my budget, streamlining our expenses, and going back to the college-student budget. But it wasn't easy. It's easier to wake the spending monster than put him back to sleep.

Back to my maturing moment. I have had company at my house this last week and been making freezer jam out of the crops from my prolific raspberry bushes. I really needed to go to the grocery store, because I was out of so many things. It happens. Well, the lady totalled up my bill and I wanted to cry. Most of us could have made a car payment and bought a lamp afterwards with that money. And, shockingly, the spending monster was gone. In its place was the, "I'm sick about the fact that I just spent so much money at the store" monster. Usually I would get a huge high off of that experience. I'd come home, organize the food, look at my instant success, and eat some chocolate. Yesterday I slogged through the bags and bags of food and couldn't seem to make any headway. I can't stop thinking about it. I had to get online and check my bank balance to make sure we still had enough in there for next month's bills. (Don't worry: we do.) I couldn't stop thinking about school clothes for the kids and shoes and backpacks and how much more would I be able to afford if I had not bought six boxes of cereal? What has happened to me? Where is the girl who couldn't wait to go shopping? She is still there. She is just putting the spending monster to sleep.